the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
