I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
