I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's never too late to be topless.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
