Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
