Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
