Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
