just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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