I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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