i just sent this text using only my big toe
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
