you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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