EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
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