Pregnant stripper...not hot.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sorry my hands just texted you
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
