so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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