home. puking in laundry basket.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
