My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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