i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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