I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
