Your tits are I can't wait for
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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