i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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