Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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