i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
