i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
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It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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