my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
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I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
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I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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