I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
