dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
