Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
