i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
