Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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