I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
