New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
