The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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