I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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