She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
