First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
