Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
