I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
