he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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