You're my little dorito
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
it's like iHOP with fire
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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