Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
