Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
