Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
