He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
