If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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