New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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