I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
