Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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