My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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