dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
