i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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