You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You pole danced in your parka.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
