Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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