You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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