the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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