Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
