Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
okay pat passed out under dana's car
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
