I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
