I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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