How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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