Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
