if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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