Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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